Sandee Jo Crocker Offers a Heart-Rendering Interview About How to Find Help in an Abusive Relationship

"If Walls Could Talk," a powerful and deeply moving memoir by Sandee Jo Crocker with New York Times best-selling author Ken Abraham, is available now, online and in bookstores.

This gripping true story delves into the life of Sandee Jo Crocker, a survivor of domestic abuse who endured years of fear and uncertainty. Her harrowing journey reached a tragic climax when her husband, Tommy, was killed, leaving her family forever changed. "If Walls Could Talk" is a raw and unflinching account of the high cost of living in fear and the strength required to break free. 

Sandee Jo's story is one of survival, resilience, and ultimately, hope. Trapped on what she calls "Someday Isle," Sandee Jo longed for a day when she and her children would be free from the terror they faced at home. That day came, but at a devastating price that continues to resonate.

Q: Sandee, thank you for doing this interview with us. How did you meet your husband? What was he like when you first got to know him? 

I met my husband, Tommy at my grandma' s church.  I was visiting her and it was the summer before I turned 16 years old. 

Tommy was funny, polite, handsome and enjoyable to be around. We laughed a lot together. He liked fishing and being out in nature and showing me wildlife, so we would do that often. I enjoyed it because we were together having fun, and these were new experiences for me since I grew up in the city. He never raised his voice to me or his hands while we were dating. 

Q: When did he start to get abusive? 

The longer we dated, though, the more he felt comfortable telling me things that I now see as red flags. For instance, he asked me to quit taking dance lessons when he found out that men were in my class. He told me that he was the only one I should be dancing with. I thought it was so endearing and romantic. So, I quit. 

Closer to our wedding date he told me that I wouldn't be allowed to wear jeans anymore after we got married and that I would have to wear skirts and dresses only. I argued back that time and told him no over the phone. He still never raised his voice even after I told him I wasn't going to marry him under those conditions. We broke up for about a week over that issue. 

The first time Tommy was abusive to me was the day we returned from our honeymoon. We were cleaning out the truck and I took a load of clothes in the house and apparently took too long. He came into the house and the next thing I remember; I was on the floor, (he must haveshoved me) and he was screaming in my face telling me I was taking too long. I remember being afraid of him for the first time. His hands were flying all around my face and his voice was loud and booming. He quickly apologized and I foolishly accepted it. 

Q: Every couple encounters arguments. How can you tell if you are in an abusive relationship? What are the signs? 

Some of the signs or red flags to look for are signs of control. These are the red flags I missed because I was "so in love." It is clear now that control played a part in our relationship early on, but I missed it. If your arguments are consistently over jealousy and control, that's a red flag. 

Does your partner try to control where you go or with whom you spend time?

Does your partner monitor your phone to see who you've texted or called or monitors your computer to see what you've looked up. 

Does your partner get upset if you miss a call or you don't return a call fast enough? 

Does your partner monitor your gas gage to see how far you've traveled?

Does your partner make comments or demands over the way you dress?

Does your partner monitor your spending to the degree that you don't feel like you're allowed to spend money? 

I could go on and on...

Q: What can you do when you are in an abusive relationship, especially with kids involved? 

If you are in an abusive relationship and especially with kids, it is important to separate yourself from the abuser. The longer you stay, the more at risk you put yourself and your children. Especially when it's physical abuse. 

A Domestic Violence hotline is a good first step. It is important to allow trained individuals to help so that you don't feel alone and so they can help you make safe decisions. They can tell you what your options are and how they can help you and your children to stay safe. There are other resources they can tell you more about once you are in a safe environment, which includes how to get injunctions for protections, restraining orders and other legal services. 

It's important to understand that there are no quick fixes or easy answers. It can be very dangerous to leave, but it can also be extremely dangerous to stay. But domestic violence shelters help to get proper authorities involved with a goal of protecting you and your children from further harm. 

Q: What is the role of faith and the church during such times?  

Faith plays a huge part. As believers in Jesus Christ and as part of the church, we are called to help others who are in trouble. Many times, that simply means pointing them in the right direction. I think pastors and lay people should be aware of their closest Domestic Violence shelters and be informed on what services they offer. I also think the church should be willing to talk about it. They should be willing to post flyers in the bathrooms with hotline numbers on them. We see these in hospitals and doctor's offices and even dressing rooms in clothing stores. Why not in churches too?

Many churches feel it's a private matter and that they shouldn't get involved or give advice.  The more we talk about these matters, the moreinformed our communities and churches will become and the better equipped we will be. Knowledge is power. 

Q: Tell us about your abusive relationship and how it came to an end. 

After eighteen and a half years of living in an extremely abusive marriage our oldest son, who was seventeen at the time, shot and killed his father to protect himself and our family. My son was forced to take action because of my lack of action and that is something I can never change. Thankfully our house told the story, and my son only spent five weeks locked up. That feels like a lifetime to a mother who doesn't know what thefuture holds for her son. 

We have all moved on, but the long-lasting emotional effects that abuse causes doesn't simply end when the abuse does. That's why my message is clear, get out, separate yourself from your abuser, but do it safely. It's not a perfect science and there will be risk involved by leaving, but there is a huge risk in staying. Find the courage to break free and reach out for the help you need but do it safely. The national domestic hotline can help. 800-799-7233.

Q: What words of advice do you have for our readers in an abusive relationship? 

I would advise those who are in abusive relationships to seek help and get out. To stay is to put yourself at further risk. I've heard it said that "staying is surviving." I understand that because I lived it. But I also know that there were countless instances where I should have been dead. Even though it might be one of the scariest things you do, you must leave and separate yourself from your abuser before it's too late. Call the hotline for help. They are trained to get you the help you need. 800-799-7233.

Published by Forefront Books and distributed by Simon & Schuster, "If Walls Could Talk" is available now online at www.sandeejo.com and at bookstores. This compelling book is not just a memoir; it's a call to action for awareness and change. 

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